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Experience, not authority is good enough for me

wobofficial
Wed, 17 Jun 2015 20:43:25 GMT

So far, this competition has been very male-oriented, and I think it's time that we heard from a woman. So I've decided that I should go next. But before I begin my tale, it’s important that you know a little about me. In my tale, I talk about relationships, which I happen to be an expert on. I’m especially knowledgeable about marriage. I started young, straight out of university, and since then I’ve been married five times. People always say, “Oh, but how could you do that? Marriage is supposed to be forever.” And I say bullocks to that! If you don’t love someone, you should end it right away. It gives you both another chance at happiness. People also like to give me the argument that the Bible says you should only be married once. No offense to all you religious types, but I don’t believe that’s true. After all, all those Old Testament men had loads of wives. So I don’t see the harm in having multiple husbands. And unlike those religious figures, I go one at a time!

wobofficial
Wed, 17 Jun 2015 20:44:36 GMT

On another note, I’m also a big believer in sexual freedom. It amazes me that we’re still so prudish as a society. You would think that by now everyone would realize how silly this “wait until marriage” or “stay with one partner for life” stuff is. We’re slowly getting there, but there’s still too much policing of sexuality around for my liking. Obviously, I haven’t exactly lived a “pure” life. And I will admit, I have used my sexuality a few times to get what I wanted from my husbands. I know, it’s not really right, but nobody’s perfect. And... Speaking of marriage, my husband is calling for me. To be continued!

Gael Henry Smifferton
Wed, 17 Jun 2015 21:22:28 GMT

You sound like you know how to have your cake and eat it. Marriage is not my cup of tea; the thought of walking down the aisle brings me out in hives. It's the single life for me; I'll keep my views on sexual freedom to myself! A woman with balls. You have me intrigued. Please, see to your husband (?) then hurry back and tell us some more...

wobofficial
Wed, 17 Jun 2015 21:56:55 GMT

Sorry about that! Gael, maybe you should wait until I finish my story before you make up your mind about marriage. You'll see what I mean :)

wobofficial
Wed, 17 Jun 2015 21:58:43 GMT

So, back to my story. Like I said, I’ve had five husbands. The first three were utter rubbish. Each was worse than the last. They were all much older than me, because I had this idea that all the boys my age were immature and not worth my time. I thought it was sophisticated to date older men. Unfortunately, they were all quite boring. I was still young, I wanted to stay out late and drink too much and have adventures. But all they wanted to do was sit at home and discuss politics. And don’t even get me started on our sex lives, or lack thereof. Since it was so bad, you may be wondering why I kept marrying these older men. I admit, a big reason was how easy it was to manipulate them to get what I wanted. I would say things like, “The neighbour’s wife has much nicer clothes than me. It must be because her husband loves her more. Do you not love me? Is that why you only buy me cheap clothes?” I would say terrible things like that until my husbands would give me what I wanted. I realize now that I was playing into the negative female stereotypes that our patriarchal soc iety has created. But back then, I truly believed that treating the men in my life horribly meant I was empowered. That’s part of the reason why I started my advice column in the Bath Daily Gazette. I wanted to teach girls that they don’t have to play into those female stereotypes. There are much better ways to exert their feminine power.

wobofficial
Wed, 17 Jun 2015 22:04:13 GMT

After three marriages to older men, I decided it was time to try having a relationship with someone my own age. It didn’t take long before I found someone. I met him at a party one of my friends was throwing. My friend told me to stay away from him because he was a known philanderer, but I ignored her. And it turned out, his friends said the same thing to him about me! The two of us were quite a pair. We married basically to spite our friends, and we spent our entire marriage alternating between fighting, flirting with other people to make the other jealous, and having sex. Oh lordy, that was a wild time! It was the kind of relationship you can only have when you’re young. Sometimes, I miss that craziness and that passion, but most of the time, I’m happy those days are behind me. And besides, I still know how to have fun! Anyways, since our relationship was so tumultuous, after a few years we decided to do a trial separation, to see if it was worth continuing or if we should just call it a day. During this time, he was in a horrific car accident, and he sadly didn’t sur vive. It was an odd time in my life, being a widow to a man who I never really got along with and wasn’t even sure I loved. I certainly felt sad, but it never felt like I was as sad as I was supposed to be. I decided it would be best to get away from home for a bit, and so I did a bit of traveling. It was the first time I was single since I was a teenager.

wobofficial
Wed, 17 Jun 2015 22:06:44 GMT

After a few years alone, I decided I was ready to start a new relationship. And the man who I chose was someone I had actually known for a long time. His name was Jake, and he was friends with my cousin. We actually met when my fourth husband and I were still together. I noticed a connection between us even then. We reconnected when I randomly ran into him at a cafe. We talked for a bit, the connection was clear, and we decided to try dating. Dating quickly turned into marriage, and Jake became my fifth, and current, husband. The funny thing about it is, Jake is actually ten years younger than me. It’s strange how that works—after all those years with older men, it turned out going younger was the right choice for me. Imagine that! Maybe because of our age difference, or maybe because Jake still needed time to grow up, but our first year together wasn’t exactly paradise. We fought a lot and threw a whole lot of things at each other. Plus, Jake had this not-too-healthy attitude about women. He was obsessed with this horrible book called The Worst Women in History. It tol d the stories of all of these women who had cheated on their husbands or stole their husbands’ money or even murdered their husbands. Jake knew the whole book by heart, and he quoted it any chance he got. If the Men’s Rights Activists had been around then, he certainly would have joined them! I set him straight, though, told them that these women were anomalies, and there were probably ten stories of horrible men for each of these women’s stories. Also, Jake thought that he had to act tough and say silly things like, “Women, make me a sandwich.” But I wasn’t having that. I told Jake that his macho act didn’t work on me, and he better quit it or I would leave him. Eventually, after a whole lot of arguments and me threatening to leave him multiple times, he came around. I truly loved Jake, and he loved me, so we worked through our issues and came out stronger in the end. And that’s about it. My whole history of relationships in a nutshell. Now, I’m ready to share my tale with all of you fine people.

Denzil Gurnard
Wed, 17 Jun 2015 22:19:21 GMT

Crikey maid! You've certainly been through a lot. Like you said, best to put it all behind you!

Hugh Fryer
Fri, 19 Jun 2015 17:42:49 GMT

Good grief, Ms Cooper, is this your tale for the contest or are you going to tell us an actual story?

Seb Poena
Fri, 19 Jun 2015 17:45:33 GMT

Why don't you just mind your own business, Fryer? Life coaches are like flies, they buzz around in everyone else's dishes and also everyone's affairs. Either offer to tell your own story or shut up.

Hugh Fryer
Fri, 19 Jun 2015 17:47:10 GMT

Speaking of getting up in everyone else's business, Poena. I could tell more than one tale of a process server or repossession "specialist" that would have this entire group laughing.

Seb Poena
Fri, 19 Jun 2015 17:48:56 GMT

Really? You're as ugly as I look, Fryer. I could tell THREE tales that show how pathetic your type is, always trying to fix everyone, but the group would get tired of listening to how awful people like you are.

HBailey
Fri, 19 Jun 2015 17:52:07 GMT

Stop bickering, both of you! Let the good lady Alyson tell her tale. What, are you both drunk? You've been arguing like idiots since we started. Alyson, I think it's best if you tell your tale next.

wobofficial
Thu, 25 Jun 2015 16:57:26 GMT

I will tell me tale, if that's alright with Mr. Fryer...

Hugh Fryer
Thu, 25 Jun 2015 16:58:30 GMT

By all means, Lady of Bath...